Just when you think life can return to some semblance of “normal,” it can take a 180-turn.
It’s a reality for most, if not all of us.
This newsletter isn’t designed to be a place where I vocalize all of the problems going on in my life, but when problems do arise, and I can help point people to the God of the universe and his sovereignty & love for you, then I will do that.
This is one of those times.
On March 19th of this year, I had a cardiac arrest.
You may know that already, as I have been vocal about the trials God has been putting in my life, but unfortunately that wasn’t where this all ended, as I had hoped.
On October 11 this past month, about 2 weeks ago, it happened again.
October 11th, 5:21 PM. Clemson, South Carolina.
One moment I was lightly kicking a soccer ball around with a client’s kids in his back yard, laughing, completely normal.
Three seconds later, my head went foggy, my legs gave out, and I was approaching the ground as I felt myself about to head into unconsciousness.
My internal cardiac device — the one installed after my first cardiac arrest — shocked my heart and brought me back. (Which, by the way, feels like you’re getting kicked in the chest by a horse…)
For 18 seconds, my heartbeat was climbing toward 300 beats per minute.
When the shock hit, I knew exactly what was happening.
Unlike last time, in March, this time I was conscious through all of it.
And I remember praying the only words that could make it past the fear: “God, save me.”
After it happened, I went into a bit of a shock, pun intended.
And shortly after that, I felt my head get light again, and that’s when I genuinely thought..
“This is it. I’m dying today.”
I called 911. The ambulance came fast.
They said the arrhythmia I was having was going to be fatal.
By 1 a.m., I was discharged and walking alone into a quiet hotel room—1200 miles from home, from Minnesota, from my wife, my family, my friends.
The adrenaline faded, and the silence hit hard and that’s when the questions started.
“God, why? Why again? Why now?”
I sat on my bed and cried for hours.
Except this time, it felt stemmed from not tears of joy that I’m alive, but tears of… I don’t even know what to call it… I wasn’t really “angry” but I was crying tears of:
God… Why me?
What did I do to deserve this?
Why is this happening to me?
You see, in March, I felt like I fully trusted God throughout the whole thing. And I wasn’t angry with Him, I didn’t feel betrayed, I didn’t feel alone…
But this time I did.
A few months ago, my wife and I sat down to talk about spiritual gifts. I told her I thought mine was faith. After all, how else could I have gone through my first cardiac arrest back in March with peace, confidence, and a quiet trust that God was in control?
But this time felt different.
This time, I wasn’t peaceful. I wasn’t brave. I was broken and afraid.
Yet somewhere in those tears, I remembered how David always ended his psalms. He never stayed in despair.
Even when he asked the hardest questions, he always came back to this: “But you, Lord, are a shield around me, my glory, and the lifter of my head.” (Psalm 3:3)
Faith is not the absence of questions.
It’s the decision to bring them back to the One who remains faithful.
When I think about spiritual gifts now, I don’t picture something glamorous.
I picture faith that survives nights like that one.
Faith that doesn’t always feel strong, but still reaches upward through the tears.
Maybe that’s what wisdom looks like too — not knowing why something happens, but still knowing who to turn to when it does.
Funnily enough about my life being saved by my Cardiac Device… Only DAYS before this happened I was in Arden Hills, MN invited to a tour of Boston Scientific (The people who made the device) and I got to see the whole process of how this device was made.
I remember going home later that day and telling my wife:
“We have no reason to doubt whether or not this thing works…”
They go through such an extensive process to make these things I was actually baffled.
The morning after my second cardiac arrest, I tried to get back to normal. Around 2 p.m., I went to a little coffee shop near my hotel. I ordered something warm, sat down to read, and tried to breathe like everything was fine.
But then…
Then my chest tightened. My head went light. My hands and legs started shaking.
I looked up at the two college girls working behind the counter and said, “Hey guys, I’m really sorry, but last night I had a cardiac arrest… and I think it’s happening again. If you see me fall over, please call 911.”
But I still called 911.
The paramedics came, ran the EKG, and said my heart looked fine. Physically, I was okay. But my body was shaking, my heart was racing, and my mind was unraveling.
That’s when I met something I’d never faced before.
Anxiety.
Now, I’ve had anxious thoughts in the past, but I’ve never understood what people meant when they said “I have anxiety” or “I struggle with anxiety.”
I’ve never been an anxious person. But for the past two weeks, it’s been lingering like a shadow.
It’s not constant, but close.
Every little flutter in my chest, or time I feel light headed, or shake because I’m cold because I live in Minnesota makes me wonder, Is it happening again?
It’s strange how the body remembers. It carries trauma like muscle memory. And no amount of logic can convince it otherwise.
The anxiety hasn’t disappeared overnight, but it’s slowly getting better. I’m learning that healing isn’t only physical. God heals the mind too—sometimes more gently, more slowly.
And maybe that’s part of faith: not pretending you’re fine, but sitting with the fear and trusting that God is there too.
It’s been nearly 2 weeks since it’s happened.
If I’m honest, I still don’t have all the answers.
I don’t know if my disease of ARVC is going to get better or worse, I don’t know if I’m going to get shocked again…
But I can be grateful that my device works, and yet, for the 2nd time in my life where I should’ve died, I didn’t.
But this much is true: the same God who met me on March 19th with peace met me again on October 11th with patience.
Some scripture that have been helpful to me in this time:
For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. Rom 8:18
And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Rom 8:28
For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, 39 nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. Rom 8:38-39
Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, 3 for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. 4 And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
5 If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. 6 But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. 7 For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; 8 he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways. James 1:2-8
I hope this blesses you in some way,
Thank you.
—Nils